Reflection

Why is it always that the most innocuous things make the world squirm on its axis, turn and twist, stumble and stutter to an ignominious halt? Why do giants trip and tumble over grains of sand, burnt and melting into broken reflections to their painted masks?

They laugh, looking on - looking back, sightless eyes tinted green, hollowed cheeks and covetous mouths stretched sickeningly into shadowy remains of a mock smile. The light within - hallowed spirit - dim, carved empty of any heart. Blessings, like silver coins in the empty fountain, fall fast in noisy rumble, leaving no marks in stone.

Tell me, craven puppets of the silent abyss, of borrowed emotions and shallow beliefs, what do you see?

Duality?

They're always by my side - sometimes I forget they're not here to protect me, and I feel safe. Darkness on my right, light on the left - nonetheless, identical. How do I know one from the other? Condescending amusement versus distant pity - all in their eyes. It's startling how familiar they seem now and how different from what I expected. I always believed I'd at least have that innate survival instinct to know evil  when I saw it, or sense good when in its company. I was an idiot. They are both dread and awe. One is not hideous, just as the other is not reassuring - both so achingly beautiful that I forget to breathe. How to keep away from one and hold on to the other?

On Immortality

And my burden is that all those I've ever known and loved will die and I'll be there to witness it, and remember.

How does one get punished with life?

Can you imagine how it aches to relive countless lives in one's memories? One day you will only be a trace of longing in every thought. How do you imagine I would survive that? You wish that I remember you - I don't.

I pray for mercy, be it silence of the mind or emptiness of spirit.

What I thought I couldn't do

She runs, after mirages she can never touch, stumbling into things real. She shies away - reality is jagged texture, and it may hurt - she might fail at feeling. Keeps away.

'Take one step' he says. 'Be brave this once.'

'I'm afraid' she pulls slightly away, almost out of his grasp, smiling endearingly.

'Follow me' he pleads again. 'Please, dare.' His hold on her tightens as he is resolute to be her guide through this, at last. She'll never try again, he knows, if he is lenient. Brows furrowed, jaw squared and heart hardened against her, he pushes on - pulls her along.

She gasps in a rush of apprehension and fear and looks desolate.'Can't we wait a little? I want to be ready.'

'You never will be. Trust me, please.' He risks a look at her, knowing it could be his undoing.

 'I can't...' she looks at him entreatingly, trying to free herself. She frowns, more determined now. 'I don't want to. I'll wait for you to get back. Go without me.'

He turns towards her fully now, tense with disbelief, trembling and furious. 'Do you want me to let you go?' he rasps, too angry to yell and, for a moment, he can't believe he's said it, for a silence so loud yawns and stretches so fast, he's left without words and empty of anger.

Eyes wide, for an instant she forgets to breathe, startled and unsure. She senses that his words mean so much more than what they're saying, and it terrifies her. 'Is this it?', the thought comes unbidden, bringing with it the chill of resignation as her mind settles for the inevitable. She squeezes her eyes shut tightly, for the briefest moment, wishing, praying fervently that none of it had happened. But he is watching her intently, expectantly, and she realizes that his question hadn't been answered yet, and he appears to have stopped breathing as well, waiting. She shivers, and feels an answering tremor in his hand that holds her. She reaches out, almost desperate for that last touch of him, face twisting with sadness and so much guilt, it chokes her.

Already having understood her unvoiced reply, he seems to crumble beneath her fingertips, gaze bleak with disappointment. He looks at his hand as if alien, wondering dazedly when it was that they'd stopped touching. He steps back and she can't look at him anymore.

'I let go.'